I wish I were confident enough to not care whether I'm rejected or not.

But better yet, I wish I were confident enough to know that I will never be rejected.

I'm still alive, in case anyone's wondering. =) I've just been sooo busy with school and hospital duties... Thank God that this coming week is our "supposedly" last week... I really hope we don't get extended! But time has flown! I'm graduating on September 28! Wow, I can't believe it's been two years already since I left the US and enrolled in Nursing.

Anyway, I'll hopefully be able to update more after this week.


One year and 7 months, going strong. =)

When I first began this journal, I was 18 and in college, shy and unsure of where I belonged, and lonely. Oh, so lonely. I felt alone among my family, and I felt alone among my friends. So I turned to this journal. I poured out my thoughts and feelings in here. And it felt nice. Especially when I began to have friends, friends who seemed to share some of my feelings. Friends who seemed to understand me even more than people out in the "real" world.

I found myself constantly thinking of livejournal, whenever I had free time. I composed entries in my mind while walking or commuting. Everywhere, I found thoughts to share, stories to tell. My joys, my frustrations, my achievements... I put them all here. It was nice, really. Livejournal felt like my bestfriend, my sounding board. And the best part was that there were real people behind the comments, unlike my old diaries where I simply addressed my entries as "Dear Diary," imagining I was writing to a friend and telling her about life in school, my love life, my family. This was so much better.

But still, even though I felt how much my friends here cared about me, it still didn't change the fact that I still needed someone real occasionally, someone who can physically envelope me in his arms and tell me he's there for me.

My friends in school... we loved and cared about each other, but we didn't really share a lot of affection and warmth with each other. And sigh, I really craved affection and warmth. I've always told you, haven't I, that I wanted a best friend, someone who would put me first before everything and anything else.

One of my dearest friends here... well, I thought he could be that person. I loved him so. But I always knew that he had lots of best friends, and I suppose in the end, it was difficult to accept. And of course, the fact that he continues to live thousands of miles away...

I met another guy whom I loved, but I knew from the start that it wasn't meant to be, though we did share some of the most unforgettable times with each other.

Then there was Rogel. And even though it hasn't all been smooth sailing, well, what relationship has been? Now, more than 15 months after we started our relationship, our love for each other hasn't waned. He cares for me in a way that no one has ever done before. And he's my best friend. And I am his. When I'm sad, I always know that I can turn to him, even, in fact, when he's the source of my sadness, as crazy as that sounds.

And after so many years... I realize, I am not lonely anymore; I haven't been for a while now. And honestly, most of it's because of Rogel.

I'm so very thankful that he loves me.

Stolen from friends... this is fun!

***I would like to request everyone in my friends list to read this entry, particularly those I met through this medium.

I know that sometimes, or perhaps most of the time really, I find myself immersed in a "world" so to speak. In the years 2003 and 2004, I was pretty much immersed here in the lj world, with Ian my main reason for becoming so engrossed in it. It was a memorable time in my life, and I became close with quite a few people here.

But reality soon intruded, and I found myself spending less and less time here. And now, I am pretty much immersed in another world, a world with Rogel and Nursing school as my main priority. I know I've even taken for granted some of my friends... and I'm trying my best to mend these fences.

Still, I continue to find myself turning to livejournal, writing about my life here and reading up on what's happening in your lives as well. I find that I really enjoy reading your entries, and I wish to continually interact with you all as my friends here in lj.

Recently though, an lj friend I considered a really good friend of mine suddenly deleted me, and it has left me feeling sad and wondering why. Honestly, I am not the type to encroach myself on someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, but I admit that it still hurts to just suddenly be deleted out of the blue, without knowing the reason why.

I truly feel that I have made some really great friends here in lj. I have shared both my joys and my pains with you, my highest achievements and my lowest points. I hope that it was not my imagination that we bonded.

Ian, gosh, if you ever delete me, I think I'll quit lj forever.

Benson, Claudia, Danes, Eric, Lester, Justin (gamermomjg), Ate Kuko, Justin (leprosytoast), Cindi, Bernie, Sascha, Rich, Blake, Majdi, James, Kori, Shabby and Rachel... you have been great friends here in lj, and I hope that we will continue to be friends here, and even in real life if chance permits.

And to those I hadn't mentioned... we haven't exactly bonded much, perhaps because I have not known you here long enough. But still, it is always a pleasure to make new friends.

Of course, it is your prerogative to delete anyone from your friends list, but perhaps simply for courtesy, please tell me why, if you ever wish to delete me.

So... this book has actually been on my mind for a while now, ever since I read an excerpt of it somewhere (I forget where). I finally decided to buy My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult last Saturday, when I saw the small paperback version of it in Fully Booked SM Mall of Asia.

It is a beautiful novel, powerful and heartwrenching. Tears flowed in my eyes as I read the last three chapters of the book. As much as I would like to rail at the author for how could she end it that way?! And yet, I have also considered that ending, and knew that it would be the most staggering and perhaps the only way to really drive the point across, so to speak.


The short synopsis at the back of the book:

Anna is not sick, but she might as well be. By age thirteen, she has undergone countless surgeries, transfusions, and shots so that her older sister, Kate, can somehow fight the leukemia that has plagued her since childhood. The product of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, Anna was conceived as a bone marrow match for Kate - a life and a role that she has never questioned… until now. Like most teenagers, Anna is beginning to question who she truly is. But unlike most teenagers, she has always been defined in terms of her sister - and so Anna makes a decision that for most would be unthinkable… a decision that will tear her family apart and have perhaps fatal consequences for the sister she loves.

The book poses a lot of questions to the reader, questioning both the ethics, morality and simply the rightness of the decisions that we sometimes need to make. How far would a mother go to save her child's life? People would say, there is no limit to what a mother would do, but then, what if it starts to compromise another child's rights?

This story is about a family defined by a child's sickness, who can barely imagine what life was like without that sickness. Each of the characters both have personal and familial issues they're dealing with: the story is told in different voices, with each character speaking to the reader in different chapters.

What I love about the book (in addition to the story): it uses a lot of metaphors about fire and stars that fit perfectly with the storyline.

Who my favorite characters are: Anna, of course, is my favorite. I find myself relating with her thoughts and views, her questions regarding her existence. She finds herself struggling with the fact that she doesn't want to let her sister die, and yet she wants to stop being defined as merely a donor to her sister; she wants to live and do things and not be forced to always be waiting and available when her sister needs blood, granulocytes, a bone marrow, even a kidney.

Campbell, Anna's lawyer, is another character I like. He begins with seeing Anna as a charity case, something to build his image for the media. But he ends up getting caught in Anna's turmoil, realizing that the case is not as simple as he thought it was.

Brian, Anna's father, is a fireman who finds that the flames he battles at work doesn't compare to the inferno that his home has turned into. He loves his children, but finds himself at a loss on how to really help them, especially Jesse, his troubled 17-year old son.

Sara, Anna's mother, is the character that one may like to blame or hate for seeming to neglect her other children in favor of the sick Kate. And yet, how can you fault a mother for trying to save her child?

In the end, we realize how parents are also so very human, who can't help but have favorites, who also make mistakes, whose decisions are colored by their experiences. And that there's a very thin line between what's moral and what's right. It sounds ironic, but occasionally, there is a difference.

Quotes I love:

Anna:

See, unlike the rest of the free world, I didn't get here by accident. And if your parents have you for a reason, that reason better exist. Because once it's gone, so are you.

"You want to know what I want? I'm sick of being a guinea pig. I'm sick of nobody asking me how I feel about all this. I'm sick, but I'm never fucking sick enough for this family."

Brian:

I would have given anything to keep her little. They outgrow us so much faster than we outgrow them.

Jesse:

My father looked right at me, but he didn't answer. And his eyes were dazed and staring through me, like I was made out of smoke. That was the first time that I thought that maybe I was.

I hadn't been thinking, actually. I was just trying to get to a place where I'd be noticed.

Campbell:

"We're here today because there's a difference in our system of justice between what's legal and what's moral. Sometimes it's easy to tell them apart. But every now and then, especially when they rub up against each other, right sometimes looks wrong, and wrong sometimes looks right. We're here today, so that this Court can help us all see a little more clearly."


Anyway, so I really like this book. I'm considering other books written by Jodi Picoult found here. It's nice to find a book that makes you contemplate and wonder and question things that you haven't thought of before.

I'm here in Capas, at my parents' house. It's summer vacation from school.

Nursing is not as easy as people may think. We have to know what doctors know, as well as what pharmacists know. We are generally responsible for each patient we handle, since we are the ones who are at their bedside, monitoring them, and giving personalized care.

Right now, I am currently trying to memorize so many different drugs, their indications, their chemical and therapeutic actions on the body, their possible adverse effects, their contraindications, and some of the things that one should know before giving the drug, like at what time to give it, what is the normal route, what to monitor before giving it, what to watch out for... the list goes on and on.

Doctors spend around 10 years in school, while nurses generally spend around 2 years for an associate degree, and 4 years for a bachelor's degree. I, as a 2nd courser, is planning on getting my bachelor's degree this September (well, if nothing goes wrong), and I would only have spent 2 years in Nursing school.

I wonder how ready I am to practice Nursing. But I'm smart, I'm enjoying the things I'm learning, and I'm enthusiastic when it comes to reading textbooks. I'm kind of worried that my practical skills may not be quite up to par yet, but anyway, I'm trying my best to get all the experience I can have in all my hospital duties.

* * * * *
Because of a recent email from a friend, I have found myself wondering if my individuality is being compromised in my relationship with Rogel. Am I truly becoming not Helene anymore, but more of a Helene-Rogel entity? I wonder... I do realize that he has become a constant consideration in the decisions that I make, in the actions that I take, and sometimes, even in the thoughts and ideas in my head. Of course, being in constant interaction with someone, especially someone whom you love, would definitely affect the way one thinks and feels, I would say. Your ideas and thoughts start to reflect upon each other, and you even find yourself reiterating this significant person's ideas to other people. Is that somehow a form of losing your individuality? Or is it simply an expected sort of compromise that couples make when they are together, that they start to share each other's thoughts, feelings and ideas?

Sometimes my thoughts truly confuse me.

And I should leave this for another day, because I have a long exam tomorrow, and I need all the neurons in my brain to concentrate and perfect the exam...

Poll #951616 Sex Question
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: Friends, participants: 9

What do you say if your parents ask you if you are sexually active? (or have been, or simply if you've done it)

My ex is someone I remember with fondness.

Maybe I should start studying more... graduation is getting near!

I love waiting for sunrise and sunsets, and spending time with my love.

I don't understand how some women can be so stupid when it comes to relationships.

Love comes when you least expect it.

Somewhere, someone is counting the hours until tomorrow. =)

Forever is something I want to believe in.

I never want to feel empty again.

When I wake up, I want to sleep again! Well, except if Rogel's here... =)

My past is filled with both sad and beautiful memories that made me who I am today. No regrets. =)

I get annoyed when teachers in school act unprofessional and biased.

Parties always make me feel old and decrepit and wonder what the heck am I doing there.

Kisses are something I love indulging in with my baby. =)

I really want to download Grey's Anatomy Season 3.

I have low tolerance for people who ask stupid questions over and over.

Tomorrow I plan to see my Rogel!